Wednesday, August 2, 2017

To deal with a difficult Day " Thoughts of a wondering mind"

     I want to share a story tonight as today was a plethora of emotional ups and downs.  Now, while I know we all go through these kinds of days, I feel like for many of us they get the best of us, and on this particular day I decided not to Let that happen, but I digress so here is the story....it's a bit long so hold on.
     I awoke to the bedroom fan wheezing away at top speed, windows open and me shuttering under a singular blanket as the night before had been a sweltering hot sauna.  I was ill prepared for the chill the morning had brought and the absence of my "heater" honey Brett.  
     Dry eyed and slightly dehydrated, I blinked myself awake and reached for my water bottle for some sort of relief from this feeling.  Moments even minuets went by as the reality of the need to wake up at the most unusual time of day for me (6:30am 😆) swept over me and I found myself walking around my room like a zombie of the apocalypse trying to get dressed to attend not one but two appointments before 10am, which if you know me, is a act of God in and of itself.  
     Dressed and ready to go, I head out to my car only to remember that I may not have enough fuel to get to the first destination.  Might I add that when I had parked my car the night before I did not have this crammed schedule I was now trying to make, so gas can added to the trunk of my little bmw, I venture out to fuel up my car before attacking the appointments ahead of me.  Of course this creates an irritation in me as I Soooo love mornings on the norm, NOT!
     Relieved as I pull into the gas station and fuel up my car, I pull out to with a sense of relief feeling I can take the day and win!
     Stage right social media.....destine to muck that up, but I jump ahead a bit.
     I pull upto the first stop and walk a job Tydoga is starting.  Its upto me to find what we can salvage and sell and what is garbage.  I whole heartedly tackle this while trying to keep those around me from distraction..... it's morning time and I have a job to do so let's get it done.  One of my sons and the son of a friend are on the job,  Asking for direction and prioritizing.  In steps the new guy..... literally hired last week.  I swear every time someone starts to talk this guy stops working.....: I want to pull my hair out and scream "can you not focus?!?!?"  All I can do is step away and tell the other guys "don't talk around him or he will stop working.  Someone fix that guy".  
     I then Realize why it may not be a good idea to have me on a job site every day.... Daydreaming tra-la-la's will be annihilated by me if I stay.   And now stage right social media bs.  
     I had posted a thought that had occurred to me.  I have a lot of thoughts.  I call them "Thoughts of a wondering mind"
     A friend posted a reply that was not connected to what I had posted but it referred to some drama a former friend was creating because they were unable to see beyond their owe view and were challenging my families integrity..... this is where my day got ugly and my thoughts got dark!  Let me just iterate.... we are not perfect nor are we right all the time,  but we try with everything that we are to see not just our own side of things but others as well, and what that usually equates to is us losing.  Most people only see their side.  And on this particular day, at almost 48 yearly old, I am done with that shit.  Socially Savvy or not, I will no longer make excuses or allow for people to point the finger while ignoring their mistakes and expecting me and mine to cover their inability to own their mistakes.   Now, I have to say if this had all stayed in the back burner I probably would have delt with it differently, but when from one side of their mouth they spout how "honorable they are and their integrity doesn't allow them to talk socially about businesses" while the other side of their mouth is spewing socially their one sided point of view, I find my tolerance at an end.  Everything in me wants to shut them down.  Everything in me wants to say you are a big part of the very problem you like to point out in others.  I find myself disliking human
beings and the ignorance that we perpetuate
because this individual at this time embodies all that is so very wrong with society today.  
     Pointing a finger and denying any responsibility for their own actions.  And I had called them friend.  I wanted to vomit.  I wanted to cry out at the injustice and stupidity of the world.... the selfishness that our society claims at this time that is paralizing us from evolving.  The sheer greed of simply wanting money and something we were not willing to earn.  
I literally look around looking for a "glitch", as surely I must be in the matrix!  
I walk away from everyone at the job site and take a breath as I finish reading my friends comments, all the while knowing they believe this guy.  They believe we are capable of having no integrity, and its heart breaking. 
     I take a deep breath and realize I can't change anything at the moment so simply reach out to the friend and see if they want to talk and know both sides or are content believing this guy.  I got my answer later that day when they didn't call like they said they would.  We all make choices.  We didn't make the cut.  At least that is how it seems at the end of the day.  Only time will tell now.
     This all before 9am.  
     At this time I am just wanting to drive straight home and crawl into bed and wait for tomorrow, I'm over it, but I have a cycle class I committed to, and I do have integrity so I go.  
     Now if you have never taken a cycle class what you should know is that a good one simply guides you on your own journey, what ever that may be that day.  And on this day I was already beat down so didn't know how I would get Thru 40 of 600+ calories of burning, but I couldn't think about that.  I had committed so I had to do it. Not just for them, but for me.
     I arrive 50 min before class.  
Let me reiterate..... I REALLY don't like people in the morning, so I sit in silence in my car trying to relax from the disturbance of the morning.  Emails, to do lists, random thoughts that come into my mind I post and I wait for my class time to draw near.  Finally 9:20 comes and I leave my car for the daunting task of cycle class ahead of me.  
     I walk in and am greeted by a friendly face and then another of the face of my instructor Heather - my tour guide if you will.  She sees me and greets me with a hug.  Sometimes I think she sees into my soul and knows I show up for class as much for a release of stress as I do for a workout and she always knows just what to say to keep me from running out the door to hide and find a place to cry at all the travesty and injustice in the world vs setting up my bike to ride for the next 50 min of my life, to a better place than where I started.  
     As I do just that, the music and class starts and I let all the crap of imperfect humans dissolve in the dark.  
There is a red neon sign that says "Cyclebar" and I fixate on that as I push myself the the physical limits on this particular day,  I push so hard that at one point I can't breath and want to vomit.  I feel like if I can push hard enough I can change something...  ANYTHING!  and the class goes on as I struggle to catch a breath I am not sure I can find.  
     And then class is over.  613 calories burned from the lovely shenanigans of the family weekend vacation indulgence and the painful stress of unkind and selfish people.  I have reset my mind body and soul.  I am not greater nor am I less that who I was.  I am simply whole again.  What ever that looks like from outside, inside I find a moment of peace.  
     Not quite ready to actually talk to other people, I walk thru a couple stores at the town center and plan out what I have to do the rest of the day and who I would like to include for the rest of the day.  
     One meeting to sell boxes to a stranger, purging "things" from my life and a surprise call from a friend to meet me after wards.  
     In my class I had decided to own the future of my day, and with in minuets I had made it happen.
     Items sold, friend arrives and we move on to acquire items for 3 charity events,  Followed by wine tasting and a dinner on the deck with the view of a lovely setting of fountains and golf greens while the sky's above speak to the fires and smoke of the north that have traveled all the way from Canada to haze our sky's.  
     And ominous reference to me of my morning, I notice the sun is still shining brightly and I take a cue from it and chose to shine with the help of my friend.
     She has no idea her impact or how much she means to me at this moment but I  grateful for her unyielding friendship at this time.  As we sit outside is the hot heat of a setting sun so rare for our area I find a light heartedness and gratitude for the moment.  And a realization that if I had not decided to change the path my day was on, that my day could have a very different ending.
     As I said at the beginning, this was a long story, but I felt that it may speak to someone.  Someone who may be feeling lost, or angry, or betrayed or misunderstood.  That in reading my story they might find a clue in how to weather their "storm" of a day, a week or God forbid a month" 
     As I get ready to lay my head down to rest, I find the contentment I yearned for in the morning, yet allowed someone else's remarks to make me question who I am.  Who my family is.  Don't make that mistake.  Because who ever it is that makes you feel that way probably doesn't mean it that way or is to lost in their own disparity to see anything but their own views and you were never going to change that anyways.
     Honor yourself, push yourself to be the best, fix your mistakes and own your failures....you will then find peace at the end of a day to sleep easy and prepare for tomorrow, for yesterday is history and today is done.... tomorrow is your gift so embrace it.
      I hope this touches who it's ment to and empowers you to get thru what ever is in front of you.  
     And as always, Make Everything Better Because you are Part of it!  

No comments:

Post a Comment